I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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