textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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