she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
