I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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