dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
