yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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