apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we're making bets on your personal life
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
