Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You can't motorboat a personality
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
