You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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