If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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