I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
