I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
