I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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