I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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