My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Oh god it's open bar.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
