Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
