having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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