end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
