the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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