The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
