How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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