that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
