I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
