Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Shame is for Republicans.
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