I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
