There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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