Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
