I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
