Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
