I think I won the penis lottery.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
