My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
