I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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