i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
