so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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