Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
