Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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