Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
