I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
