R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize