paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
