Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
