somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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