im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
