If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize