quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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