I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
