Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
