I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
