You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
