They should really pass out barf bags in church
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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