why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
