i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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