just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
