she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
