nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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