I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
