i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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