she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
