dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my being single is dangerous.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
