so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
