The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
