What a fucking waste of an outfit
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
